Real Fucking Advice - Round 4

Question:
O.k. well first off I am in a 4 year relationship but he has spent the last 2 1/2 years in prison.I have buddies…. my question is how do you go from a freak buddy to someone who doesn’t really know what they are doing?
should I waste my time trying to make him better or just say to hell with it and look for another lil’ freak?

Answer:
You just need to spice up your sex life and make it a little more like prison for him. Sneak up on him in the shower, wait for him to drop the soap and shove a 12 inch black dildo in his ass. Then tell him you’re trading that ass for a pack of Kool Filter Kings. That should get your sex life back on track in no time.

And here’s a little secret. If you’ve been fucking other people, you aren’t really in a relationship. So cut him loose. Let him toss your salad once for old times’ sake and go play with your freaks in the bedroom. Deep down it’s really what you want to do anyway.

Question:
How do you train a woman to suck dick good damn? It sucks when the puke on it and they dont wanna finish it ever thats evil . Im going to say the power of christ compells you to suck my dong and do a good job . Im going to try that next time, what do you think?

Answer:
This is easy. You find a young hot girl. Maybe 20 or so that hates sucking dick. Woo her with your worldly ways and she’ll not only start sucking your dick, she’ll do it with enthusiasm. When you tell her what feels good, she’s right there on it - because you walk on water. Give instructions to an older woman and they basically just look at you and think, “Shut up if you hadn’t bought that new dishwasher you wouldn’t even be getting your dick sucked.” Find them college aged and train them. It’s the only way to go.

Question:
My sex question is~ when am I gonna get to have it with you?
After some of the illusions you gave me I just can’t seem to get those off my mind?

Answer:
You live close enough to me that you could hijack a Big Wheel from a 5 year old and ride it here in an hour. The only reason you haven’t experienced 2 inches of pure pleasure is because of your own lazy procrastinating ass. Now get down here. This dick won’t suck itself.

Question:
man you lie your ass off with that sappy shit bout ur feelings. you probly jus wtore it to get more pussy. more funny bulletins. get the pussy on ya on time,

Answer:
Okay so thousands of women want to fuck me and nobody wants to fuck you. What do we call that? Oh jealousy. I should personally bring you “Hooked On Phonics” and whip your ass repeatedly while I make you study. Lucky for your ass you caught me in a transitional period.

Question:
I am in a relationship, a serious relationship, and am in love with this person, however, because of our conflicting schedules, we do not get to see each other or spend time together. As a result, I am not getting the good deep dicking I need on a regular basis. Rubbing one out in the shower, or the occasional use of the good ol’ “pocket rocket” only get you so far….there are a few guys I could use as a fill-in, strictly out of convienence, (because I work with them)… but I would feel bad about it….any suggestions?

Answer:
I know you. You’re a good person. But the business you’re in isn’t conducive to maintaining long term relationships. Group A wants to fuck group B and group B has to flirt with group A because that’s how they get paid. Plus you have the bouncers, DJs and owners who all want to fuck the girls. Not to mention the hot customers with game who can pull girls like me. The drugs, booze and the money. And the money is so good. It’s an explosion waiting to happen. You stay at this job, you lose your boyfriend.

Think about what you just said about loving your boyfriend and it being serious but conveniently wanting to fuck someone else. Your relationship by your own admission is in more trouble than you realize. If you’re going to fuck someone else, leave him first. If you love him, you owe him that. And if it ever reaches that sad point, you can make the 2 hour drive and I’ll give you some shallow dicking and deep licking!

A wise man once said about jobs… You’ll either find something positive that you really love to do or you’ll find something that pays great. Usually it’s a choice.

Question:
Dear Trailor Park Man…

A girl I’ve been hanging with has this real nice nightgown, sort of sexy like, but I can’t figure out why it has a breast pocket. Any clues? Also she has some PJ (jammies if you will) bottoms with a small pocket also. What gives?

Answer:
I’ve given this question more thought than any except possibly the girl above because she’s cute and I wouldn’t mind digging a penile pool in her ass. And the other short sexual question I gave the Big Wheel answer. Because she’s fine as fuck as well.

At first I thought it might be for cigarettes or Xanax since she is dating you. But her teeth weren’t green and her pupils are fine in the pictures. So I’m afraid this something much more sinister that threatens blow jobs as we know them.

The pockets are cum catchers. She’s there sucking your dick, you’re in the heat of passion and just when plan to fire a jizz missile to the back of her throat. She does the cock to pocket trick. Oops it slipped. So instead of washing out her mouth with Listerine she’s just throwing the teddy in the washer with some Tide.

We’ve been doing the “oops it slipped” trick to get our dicks in their asses doggy style since the beginning of time. The evil wenches at Victoria’s Secret are finally paying us back.

Fortunately we do have one saving grace. Just before orgasm we can grab their head and hold it down. It was a heat of the moment thing. And the squirts never make it to the evil cum catching pocket.

Besides we all know there are really just two types of women: women who swallow and women who can go straight to hell.

Question:
Alright Rob, your shit usually sounds pretty straight to me so I’ll give it a shot.(this has all happened since friday) I met this chick here on crackspace and after talking for a while we met. Things went pretty fucking stellar and I ended up staying at her house for 4 days, watched her kids a couple times and everything. (thus invoking trust and all that shit) So now I haven’t heard from her for about a day and a half so my question to you is: How do I figure out what’s up without being a total douchebag? (she’s had problems with stalkers before)
If you answer this, thanks in advance.

Answer:
You want it straight Brother? I’m going to give it to you. This doesn’t sound like a good situation. You could have been a weekend test fuck and babysitter. Would you trust someone you just met with your kids? I wouldn’t. I’m not sure the girl is all together. As for the stalking thing, this may be one of those situations where it was more like she cut off a guy for no reason, he was all in love, wondered why and now she uses that as a defense to indict men when they try to get close. It’s honestly an affront to every woman whose ever REALLY been stalked.

I don’t think you can figure this out. You can drop a simple note just to touch base and say you hope she’s having a good weekend. Like you do with friends. I do that to my platonic friends all the time. And you wait for her response. But honestly Brother, I don’t see this ending well. I’m sorry. You’re going to have to wait on her for an answer or else she turns you into the stalker and makes it your fault.

Question:
OK, I need help. Probably some antipsychotic meds and a thorazine drip with bunny slippers that I shuffle around in. Enough of that. The new guy in my life (you know about him already)–well before we became romantically involved he was always kind of hit or miss, whether he was .. or called me or whatnot. I figured that it might change once it became more than friendship but it hasn’t. I’m about to reach the conclusion that he’s not into me, and about to stop turning down dates like I have been. But I thought I’d get your input first. He’s very quiet anyway so maybe that’s why but then again maybe it’s just me and I should stop trying to be with him. I know you’re brutal at times so I’ll be prepared to read your advice through a sheen of tears. Thanks Rob!

Answer:
Let’s put this in perspective. You offer to suck my dick at least 3 times a week. How serious are you about this guy if you’re offering to let me use your tonsils as a penile depth gauge. You’re not serious about this guy or I wouldn’t get bombarded with blow job offers. Start taking those dates.

What you are is a smart, pretty and very talented girl with a body to die for and the best damned calves God ever put on a human. I look forward to the day the blow job offers end because you’ve found someone that treats you as special as you deserve to be treated. So fuck him, don’t settle. And when you’re almost but not quite sure you’ve found Mr. Right, hit me up so I can get that head before you ride off in the sunset and live happily ever after.

Question:
Hi Rob,
I was hoping to become engaged over New Years Eve to my boyfriend of 4 years. I was fine that it wasnt in the stars for me, until my boyfriend made a comment about how this was the first Holiday Season in 14 years that he didnt phone his ex to wish her a Merry Christmas. I could tell that he was pretty bummed out about it. The days that followed were pretty tough and I ended up confiding in my boyfriend that I was upset because I feel like there really isnt a future for us because he still holds a flame for his ex-girlfriend. He of course denies this claim. Since a few weeks have passed, lately he has been talking about purchasing an engagement ring and proposing to me, although at this point, I am not ready to accept. My question is, shall he produce an engagement ring and propose to me, is the proposal serious or is the proposal something he feels he should do to make me happy?

Answer:
You’re a smart lady, you already know the answer. If he’s really holding on after 14 years apart, do you want a man, even if he’s a great guy who you know will always love someone else more? He will propose now. He’ll feel the need to make it up to you and prove his love. And I’m sure he does love you. It just sounds like she was the love of his life. He’ll say not calling was a huge step, it proves he’s moved on. He hasn’t and you know that. Find a man that for whom YOU are the love of his life.

Marriage sucks anyway. Just an FYI.

Question:
I met an awesome guy on here. We enjoy our conversations and I think we are very compatable. There is one problem, I live in IN and he lives in CA. Do you think long distance relationships can work? Also am I nuts for making plans to travel over 2000 miles to meet this man face to face?

Answer:
Nothing crazy bout it at all. Katie and I commuted from Tampa to Pittsburgh for most of the first half of this decade. And I was as happy as could be. I have the opportunity to travel a lot. If I found someone interesting, hell I’d fly 2,000 miles to have lunch with them. But money isn’t an issue and sometimes it’s hard for people to grasp for me that’s no different than them driving across town.

Now, safety issues… You don’t go to him. 2,000 miles is a long way from anyone you know. You make him come to you. And, furthermore: you make him pay for it. If you fly out after he visits you, he pays for that to. It’s about time men started behaving like men again. And make damned sure he opens the doors for you. Also be prepared for the fact that the chemistry may not translate in person. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. But the person perfect for you may not live down the street. They may be 2,000 miles away. And if you don’t take the chance and find out, you may just miss out on the love of your life.

Question:
ok, maybe i’m just being insecure but here goes:
i’m having a real problem feeling like a “woman” without boobs, since i’ll probably have to wait another year for reconstruction. i don’t want prostheses or anything like that (too much hassle), and i’m not exactly a “small” person (i’m Marilyn Monroe’s size, but without all those fantastic curves…). what’s a girl to do? of course my man loves me and is turned on no matter what…problem is, how do **I** learn how to see things from his perspective? i won’t ever be a supermodel, but i don’t know how to recapture being “sexy”…
thanks again for all your help and advice O Wise One. lol ;)

Answer:
Back to the aforementioned Katie for this one. She fell on a ski trip and almost lost her left leg. They thought she’d never walk again and if so it would be with a limp. She was in her first year of medical school. Plus she was 23 and well… a supermodel. She hated the way she looked. She felt like a freak. A cast to her hip, being pushed around in a wheelchair. Finally standing and initially walking with a limp.

She became very angry at me because I wasn’t as upset as she was. I loved her either way. I would have pushed her around in a wheelchair forever and still thought she was the most beautiful person I knew. She couldn’t understand how I thought she was so beautiful, when she felt so ugly. You are a good FRIEND. And you have a damn good man. When he looks at you he sees the way you treat him, the way you make him feel. And he’s thankful every day he didn’t lose you. You may never see yourself the way he does until after your surgery. But remember he sees you that way and he’s the man who loves you. Let his strength carry you when yours can’t. Just try and remember that in a few months things will be back to normal and these questions won’t exist anymore.

Just be prepared, when you get the new boobs, He’s going want to tit fuck you like 5 times a day. You better enjoy the rest while you can. Because it won’t be long before you have dick between your boobs on an hourly basis.

And for the record my friend. We all have some self esteem issues. My new medication is working great but again with sexual side effects. I haven’t had an erection, even morning wood in 2007. So I’m right there with you in some ways.

Question:
is there a relationship between shoe size and the size of a man’s stiffy?

Answer:
That’s actually a myth. I played basketball with a guy who was like 4′11″ and must have had a 13 inch dick. He’d of been wearing clown shoes if that were the case. And yes athletes do look at other dicks in the shower. Usually to see who we can make fun of. Hell we even found a way to make fun of him. Asked him what he fucked with that thing? Cows and rhinos? Like there were rhinos roaming east Texas or something.

You could argue this using the Mayan golden mean principle that 1 equals 1.618 in ratio. But I seriously doubt if you even know what the fuck I’m talking about.

Editors note:

Claim: The size of a man’s nose, hands, or feet is a reliable indicator of the size of his penis.

Status: False.

Source: Snopes.com - The Size of Things to Come

Question:
Here’s my brief question:

How can I stop ruining every potential relationship that presents itself to me?

Answer:
This is the easiest question ever. Swallow. Take it in the ass. Hell, pretend like you enjoy it. He’ll cum faster. It’s what Lisa used to do with me and it worked. Stop pretending you know something about sports because you’ve heard of Tiger Woods or Tom Brady. That really pisses us off. That’s our thing. Unless you know who Julian Jackson is without Google, don’t bother me. Same with Kenny Easley. So stop asking dumb-ass questions during the game. Just bring out the wings and clean up. Lesbian birthday sex of course. Don’t touch the TV remote. Go to the gym. We can get fat and bald and still be beautiful. You can’t. And most importantly never do South Park or Beavis & Butthead voices in front of his friends. Women usually do them better. And that upstaging should be grounds for a divorce.

Question:
HEY ROB,HOW ARE YOU?HERE IS MY QUESTION: IS IT TRUE THAT SIZE DOES MATTER OR IS IT THE FLOW OF THE OCEAN THAT COUNTS?

Answer:
It depends on a couple of things. The woman’s body. Different bodies fit differently. And that’s a matter of genetics, not how many lovers a woman has had. Her psychological idea of importance of size and if she’s more stimulated by penetration or manipulation of her clitoris. Size may seem more important to younger women because as young men we have no clue what we’re doing until about 25 or so.

But most good sex is like a roller coaster. The excitement is in the foreplay and everything leading up to penetration. That’s climbing the hill. The orgasm is just the drop off from the climb you’ve already made.

Question:
so last week or the week before ( i cant remember) i asked about staying friends with my ex or to cut all ties. well its been a little over two weeks since i really talked and then two days ago we talked on the phone and were talking about getting together to just hang as friends and the topic of sex came up. so the question is would it be really bad for me to get with her just to be friends with benefits? i know theres nop other guy with her now.

Answer:
You can go for it. Maybe it’s all you’re supposed to be. Maybe it’s your chance to win her back. I know you love her. But as a friend with benefits, are you going to be able to handle knowing at some point there may be other guys in the picture? Because if this is going to be a “no strings attached” you have to be prepared that she may meet someone at one point she wants to date. Having said that, my gut says go for it. Take your best shot. I hope you win her back. But in the spirit of honesty, I see you coming out of this even more heartbroken. With you, I hope I’m wrong. You seem like a good kid and I do hope it works out for you. Just have to prepare yourself that it might not.

Question:
answer the damn question that i gave you weeks ok robster! thanks man

Answer:
Damn it woman, it’s just a penis. I’ll share but you’re going to have to wait. It’s small enough without the shriveling northern cold. Rob doesn’t do cold. Bad on the joints with the systemic lupus. But I do keep my promises. Tell you what, I’ll send a thong from the store to tide you over. Deal?

Question:
In your words whats the best way to pick up women and is the bar the place to do it?

Answer:
Be confident, be funny and make them feel safe emotionally with you. It doesn’t matter where you meet them. That’s how you win them. Meeting can be anywhere. There really is no best place. Online, a bar, the bookstore.

Practice flirting. Smile and be polite to everyone. Even the old lady at the counter of the drug store with four teeth. Make her blush. Constantly hone those flirting skills.

As for bars, here’s the key. Unlike the bullshit other people may say. What you say first doesn’t matter. Let’s say you buy a girl a drink. She comes over to thank you. And you introduce yourself. The introduction is the first thing you’ve said. Conversation could be over. It’s the SECOND thing you say that really matters. After the introduction, compliment her. But do it with a question. EXAMPLE: That’s a very beautiful ring, it really brings out the blue in your eyes. Is it family heirloom? Something you picked up in travel?

You’ve just engaged her in conversation and let her know more than you just want to fuck her. Which may lead to you just fucking her but that’s not the point. She now answers your question and the conversation is on. And whatever you choose to compliment, make sure first that it’s a sincere compliment and secondly that it doesn’t have anything to do with a place on her that you might rub your dick later that night.

———
Got a question of your own?
Ask a question. Just a question! Rob doesn’t need 200 pages of back-story about your three week old online-only relationship in order to set your ass straight.

Send your questions to Rob via his Trailer Park Gangstas MySpace page. Don’t have a MySpace account? You can email questions to me via the email address listed here on BurntPickle. I’ll forward the shit over to him.

You should also checkout the music on Rob’s MySpace page. It’s some funny shit for sure. And, here’s his Bio on IMDB for all you curious fuckers.