Real Fucking Advice - Round 3

FYI: After Rob saw this Raven Riley gallery he said: “I would enjoy parking my pee pee on her”. Just figured I’d mention it. lolz

Question:
Well, I and this guy have liked each other for the past year or so, more or less and the timing hasn’t always been the best for us to go out. One of us was always taken and when the other broke up then the other would get one. He has a girlfriend now and our flirt radar is like all time high. Should I keep on and see if I can still him from her knowing how much he loves her? Or not care and take a chance anyway? I mean he is the one starting the flirting in the first place. It’s more complicated though, because when he talks to me, he only talks sexual and i’m afraid he may get the wrong idea. Help?

Answer:
First of all, don’t use the word taken unless you’ve been kidnapped by aliens and are being anally probed. It doesn’t apply to real life relationships. Secondly, it’s not that complicated. Read what YOU wrote. He only talks sex to you. So what does that tell you other than he just wants to fuck you? Nothing. He just wants to fuck you. As for stealing (not) stilling him from his girlfriend: if he cheats with you, he’ll cheat on you. There’s no such thing as a golden pussy to keep a cheater faithful. Cut ties. Find a man that cares about your hopes and dreams and still wants to fuck you in the ass. Best of both worlds.

Question:
ok..u never answered my last one..damnit rob when are you gonna come ravage me? lol :P..how are you man?

Answer:
I move really slow. In fact, I had a girl who offered me oral recently tell me she’d have false teeth by the time I let her do it :-) But I’ll get there! Probably before the Mayan calendar ends in 2012 :-)

Question:
There Rob, first of all (i know is a l’ill late but….) happy neuw year.
Here it goes………i’m cyberly dating 3 people right now (yes Sherryl Crow, i’m a bitch too), and as much a i want to deny it………….. i like them all…….. i swear i didn’t plan it, just found myself in this situation……but i know i will endup hurting someone if this goes on so i need to cut this now, how can i know what to say to who to get this to a normal situation, i mean……..how would you evaluate who to pick if you had 3 really cool people to pick from? And how do you tell the others that it’s over? Having already slept with one of them…………….please Dr. Rob help me.

Answer:
This isn’t a situation. It’s just life. Sometimes it’s possible to like more than one person. Before you start cutting ties, remember this: a good carpenter measures twice and cuts once. So take your time to decide. Be up front with them. See who runs away from your honesty and take it from there. Then let your heart decide. Your genitals always make the wrong decision. Just make sure when you talk to them, none of them are close enough to throw boiling Clorox at your crotch.

Question:
Ok I meet a girl on new years and had sex and that was all it was for me now she calls and shit so how do I let her down and not hurt all that much.Basicaly how do I be nice and tell her it was just drunk sex and not love like she thinks.

Answer:
If she’s already thinking it’s love, there’s probably no chance at being nice. Plan a time for her to call. Have a female friend at your house. Let the friend answer the phone and then go nuts on the crazy chick claiming the friend is your wife. That’s always fun. Or you could just tell her she’s insane. It pisses crazy people off when you call them crazy. That’s how I’d handle it.

Question:
I have no questions only comments, dark haired girls in glasses are good dark haired girls in glasses who like angry sex even better……ROCK ON ROB FUCK YEAH

Answer:
Dude I’m 36. Angry sex for me means that I’m getting laid while missing an episode of “Boston Legal”.

Question:
so my gf broke up with me last week. she said i was too good for her, did to much. bassically the “its not u its me routine” i want to believe that she just wasnt happy and wasnt ready for a realationship as me and her were each others first real partners, but everyone else(friends and family) are giving me different opinions to how messed up the situation was. it seemed liek everything was fine and she gave me gifts for the holidays and spent the night quite a bit, then one day after she went home she called me and said “she cant be my GF right now”. i havnt talked to her much, but i want to know if theres a chance for us in the future. i can imagine you’ll say cut ties, phone block her and everything else, and for how mad and sad i was, i kinda want to keep in contact and be her friend. What do you think rob.

Answer:
It sounds like you’re holding on to hope that isn’t there. You can’t make her feel what you want her to feel. I think there’s another penis involved. Whenever the guilt lines start to come out it’s because they’ve usually found fresh pecker. And if she’s telling the people around her it’s awful, she thinks things are bad. Let this one go. You’re only going to get hurt more. Right now you’re seeing and hearing what you want - not what’s actually happening. Love and trust are two different things. You may love her, but you can’t trust her. You said yourself what I’d do. You won’t because you’re not ready. But you’ll wish you would have cut ties when the news about the new guy(s) comes out. People don’t just leave for no reason.

Question:
Hey rob you think wipping your asshole with exs toothbrush is harsh? shes my kids mom but I take care of my kid cause she a dead beat mom. alright new pussy!!!

Answer:
If she’s a deadbeat Mom, I think you should buy your dog pintos and cheese from Taco Bell and follow him around scraping up all his shit on her toothbrush. Furthermore put Ex-lax in everything she owns. Nothing in the world is worse than a deadbeat parent.

Question:
Well, you don’t want a paragraph, but I think I have to preface this question a little.

A girl at work (a subordinate) kept inviting me out with the group. Every time she asked me I had something going on and had to turn her down. Well last week I ended up going out. She was all over me from the time I got there. I had a great time.

The next time we worked together she was weird, apologized for “molesting me” and I haven’t been invited to the latest outings…What the fuck?

Answer:
You’re a sharp guy, probably a good career. This girl may be attempting to build a career. And office romances always get messy. Her remorse was likely just an effort to protect her job. Or, you have the catty female friends saying, “Hey you can’t eat a hush puppy from the ass-crack of your boss. That’d be my guess buddy. It’s just her protecting her job after she let her hormones run wild.

Try ignoring her a little. Regardless of what women say, they like a challenge. They never want what they know they can have. Plus, you’re dealing with a creature that has a vagina, so who really knows what the fuck she’s thinking. Or unfortunately maybe she didn’t feel the sparks she thought she would. Relax. Don’t push it and let it sort itself out.

Question:
I have a question
Im a little doubtful about my current relationship, because he can be very posessive…Ive always been a little flirty, and he told me off for that recently
he said it might just get alot worse later
what do you think?

Answer:
Dump his ass. By saying it will only get worse; he’s just testing the waters and prepping you for when he starts cheating. He’s done this before. Common cheater trait. Next, he’ll work on your self esteem and make you feel like him cheating was your fault. Leave him or else he’ll come home one night and you’ll taste some other girl’s hair pie on his tally wacker.

Question:
Here’s my question. I tried to keep is as short as possible:

How does an Agnostic (who has no problem dating someone who is religious) find love when he’s completely surrounded by Christians who won’t date non-Christians?

Answer:
People are terrified of God. Most Christians have no concept of the origins of their faith. They believe what they are told and never question anything. They all think I’m going straight to hell. Because I valued my faith so much I researched the origins of Christianity. I decided to find my own path to Heaven. It just doesn’t coincide with theirs. And it really pisses them off that I’m more knowledgeable about the Bible and the origins of their religion than they are. I don’t discourage religion. I encourage religious education, based on historical fact. If you don’t understand what you believe, how can you say you believe it?

People have to love you for you. And more importantly respect your beliefs as you do theirs. Instead of focusing on faith, I suggest you spend time doing the things you enjoy and the right girls will find you. Get them to read the Gnostic Gospels and the Apostles of Apocrypha. Not to change their beliefs, but to give them insight into yours.

Question:
why dont i enjoy sex sober?

Answer:
Two reasons. First your boyfriend is young. He probably hasn’t figured out where to put it yet. If you don’t shave your armpit you may get some sweet loving there. Secondly, because you’ve likely only had sex with boys and never a real man. Like me of course. But I’m not wasting a Viagra on your armpit!

Question:
Rob:
I’m really into my girlfriend, but just can’t seem to stop sticking my penis into random women. I feel it is my right as a male to do this, but she disagrees. How would you go about saying, “Love ya, baby, but I’m not going to stop banging random slut-rabbits” without saying, “Love ya, baby, but I’m not going to stop banging random slut-rabbits”?

Answer:
Dude, just be honest. If she can deal, she can deal. She can’t, then she can’t. Some people just like to fuck everything that moves. Doesn’t make you a bad person. Just keeps Trojan in business. As for her handling it… Hell, invite her in the bedroom with you. If she loves you enough to let you fuck everything that walks you may hook up some serious roman style orgies. Or you could just say: “I really value you as a person. And, I’m not going to be dishonest with you. I’d like to maintain our current relationship. But this is the lifestyle I want and I plan to lead. So what happens now is up to you. This is my life and it’s not negotiable.”

Question:
Rob, I haven’t had sex ALL YEAR LONG…and it’s becoming a problem. I have three options: have sex with an incredibly hot, but married, man…have sex with a very nice respectable guy that i don’t have any sparks with…or invite you down again and remind you to bring your viagra…oh wait…4 options…continue to handle it myself…what do you recommend?

Answer:
The married guy is too much drama. Who wants to fuck someone you’re not attracted to? I guess that just leaves me. It’s not like I haven’t been promising for almost a year to drive a hour and poke you with my phallus. Although I am a huge fan of masturbation! Since I do keep promises, if you can hold out until February I’ll make a weekend for you. Always a sucker for those dark haired girls in glasses. But you have to promise not to stalk me. And this isn’t dating, I hate dating. It’s just pleasure beyond your wildest dreams. :-)

Question:
Rob,
As one of my dearest friends, who’s advice I treasure above most people’s in my life, I told you my belief the other night about how after a relationship ends, that the connection you once had can never be lost. So my question is this, if you have a friend whom you connect with on every level should you take it to the next level possibly destroying the relationship you currently have, or take the risk, and connect on a deeper level?

Answer:
Of course you take the risk. That same risk brought me Katie and I will cherish those memories for a lifetime. Once it’s done, you can never go back. You can’t change a butterfly back into a caterpillar. Some women will say it’s better to love them from afar and never let them know. Just keep the friendship. They are all miserable. You go for it. It may just be the best thing that ever happens in your life. And even if it fails, there’s no guarantee that person would always be in your life as a friend anyway. Life has crazy twists and turns.

By the way, are you talking about us? Because I think your Sister would shoot us. I’m pretty sure she’s a borderline stalker. But who doesn’t love them some Rob?

Question:
How do you take things slow so as not to mess up a relationship but not leave the woman thinking you’re not interested in her physically?

Answer:
Unless she has vaginal warts, why do you want to take things slowly? Just respect her and make her feel safe with you - safe emotionally as well as physically. Make her laugh. If you don’t push it, the physical parameters will set themselves. But don’t take it too slow. Blow jobs are nice. I miss them. Some vaginas ain’t so bad either.

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Got a question of your own?
Ask a question. Just a question! Rob doesn’t need 200 pages of back-story about your three week old online-only relationship in order to set your ass straight.

Send your questions to Rob via his Trailer Park Gangstas MySpace page. Don’t have a MySpace account? You can email questions to me via the email address listed here on BurntPickle. I’ll forward the shit over to him.

You should also checkout the music on Rob’s MySpace page. It’s some funny shit for sure. And, here’s his Bio on IMDB for all you curious fuckers.