Real Fucking Advice - Round 2

Question:
I like a really hott girl and we are together but now I wanna leave her ? And fuck all the girls I know plus I got my friend Jessica to cheat with me in front of her man who is also my friend…He could whip my ass too !!!! :(
And I have like 4 girls that im fucking and all them know it and me Gina and Anna had threesom last night ! Im so in trouble !!!!

Answer:
You’re not in trouble. You’re just delusional and need to up the dose on your medication. Actually you should probably be locked up and studied.

Question:
If im fucking a guy im not already dating is there any chance we will ever really date?

Answer:
You’re relatively young, so I’m guessing the guy is also. When guys are young, we basically want to hump everything with a pulse. That works against you.

Fucking someone and dating them differs in that dating is really just fucking someone whose bullshit you’re obligated to tolerate. If he’s already marinating your boobs in dick snot hollandaise, what exactly is his impetus to tolerate your bullshit? You never date someone you start out fucking. It just doesn’t happen for the aforementioned reasons.

Question:
So here’s a question…what do you do when you’re dating a guy who’s been nothing but sweet to you, but an ex-boyfriend, who dumped you, persistantly tells you what a huge mistake he made, how badly he wants you back, and how he plans on perusing you 100% and never letting you out of his life again?

Answer:
What will you do or what should you do? You should call block the bastard who dumped you and move on. If you let him back into your life he’ll only hurt you again because there were no consequences when he did it the first time. Don’t eat your own shit. You’ve shat this one out.

What you’ll probably do is dump the decent guy because there’s no challenge and go running back to the retard. What we want and what’s best for us are seldom the same thing. Be smart. Don’t fall into the “But I love him” trap and go back to the asshat. If you do, you get what you deserve.

Question:
hehe .. well i have a question for you:

should i email an ex (bc i miss him) even though i told him that i will never talk to him again since he lied and cheated? or should i wait for him to come around, and if he does, then i will respond .. and if he does not then just let it be. i have a long history with this guy .. 6 years in total .. and he always comes around after a while .. but this time it may be different, since i stopped being nice and was very straight forward with him and told him that i will never talk to him again .. but now i miss him very much. so do i move on .. wait to see what happens from his side .. or email?

Answer:
In a bulletin a couple of months ago, someone asked who the prettiest girl on my list of extensively pretty friends was. My response was you. Seriously, you need to place more value in yourself. Don’t confuse history with happiness. Your heart is the most precious thing you can offer a person, if they treat it poorly do you really want them to have it? Don’t you deserve something better than a guy who lies and cheats? We all miss the familiar and it’s hard letting go. But your past will consume as much of your future as you allow it to. Hell you could have any man you wanted. They’d line up for the chance to make you happy. You might even be able to land me:)

I might even consider going on a date with you. I just used the “D” word. I never do that. I must have a fever.

Question:
I suppose I’ll bother you about relationship crap, it will be interesting to hear your response, you post some pretty hilarious bulletins.

I’ve been single for quite awhile and unsuccessful at finding a girlfriend that doesn’t give a lot of drama or bullshit lines like “your too good for me”, “lets just be friends”…..or any other happy horse shit like that prior to them dumping me or cheating on me with one of my friends. Anyhow, my buddies are suggesting that I become more of an asshole (it seems to work for them). Do you think pushing a girl down some stairs, headbutting them in the tits, boxing their ears in, or a good punch or two (or three) to the solar plexus or throat is a bit too extreme, or would that be asshole-ish enough for me to get a girlfriend that doesn’t give me all the drama and bullshit lines? :P

Answer:
Drama comes with the genitalia on women. So you’re always going to have a little drama if you have a woman. You could be an asshole and you will attract more women. But eventually that nice guy is going to shine through and they’ll dump you for some guy who fucks their sister and repeatedly calls them a whore.

You’re a funny guy. I’m going to do you a solid. If you compromise your core values to attract anyone, you’re just letting yourself down. Being single beats the hell out of being with anyone just for the sake of having someone. Take the time to work on yourself. Better yourself, do the things you enjoy and the kind of woman best suited for you will gravitate to you.

You want to hook a girl when you meet her? Make her laugh and make her feel safe with you. I don’t mean threaten to kick everyone’s ass. That’s a huge turn off. Make her feel like your arms are the safest place in the world. A shelter where you’ll protect her hopes and dreams and be there in her weakest moments. That’s how you get the girl. And be sincere. If it starts with a lie, where’s it going?

Question:
Dear Rob,
I’m currently crushing over a woman who is 8 years older than me (I’m 26). Being that I’m still in college and she has her own business I question whether or not things could work out so I haven’t made a move on her yet. What do you think?
Thanks.

Answer:
I think you should go for it. Don’t be intimidated. Guys her age (like me) have pretty much lost interest in sex and she’s in the middle of her sexual prime. Sex aside. Nothing ventured and nothing gained. Ask anyone in a nursing home what they regret most and it’s always what they didn’t do over something they tried and failed at.

Worst case scenario? You get rejected. It sucks, but it happens to us all. Hell even me. Not really, I was just trying to make you feel better. But you will live.

Best case scenario? This time next week you’re splashing her forehead in semen shampoo.

Question:
What’s your take on MySpace relations? Is there an etiquette to this B.S.?

Answer:
I don’t think it matters how you meet someone. Frankly the internet provides you with a chance to expand your search for someone special. That perfect person may never walk into your favorite local bar.

Having said that, here’s what I think about internet dating. It’s not dating until you actually meet them. Even if your profile says living in Wyoming but my heart is in Maine. And stop using the word taken. When I read taken, I either want to call the FBI because I think someone has been kidnapped or I think they’ve been abducted by aliens and are currently being anally probed. People who refer to themselves as taken are half retarded.

Question:
This is a little off topic, but I would love to get your take on it:
Tell me how to pick up chicks via MyCrack. That way don’t ever have to leave my house. I can stay home, get fat, and jerk off to my cyber relationships. Could sex be any safer? lolz

Answer:
I’ve had the internet since 1994. Only 3 women immediately come to mind in that period that I’ve dated or slept with that I didn’t meet initially online. So I’m probably the right person to ask. The trick is, there is no trick. Be yourself. Otherwise you can’t expect your net friend to transition well into real life. I just have them Google me. If that doesn’t make them swoon I assume they have a functional brain which means they’d have no interest in me anyway.

Jesus, I just realized that half my adult life was spent sitting around in boxers and a Yoda tee shirt picking up really hot chicks online. I think I want to be me when I grow up. But taller.

Question:
ima married white guy who likes watchin my wife fuck black men with huge dicks. what do you think?

Answer:
I’m assuming that was an invitation for me to screw your wife? People seem to think I’m a black man. I dunno, maybe it’s because I refer to myself as 235lbs of pure chocolate, Chocolate Adonis or The Last Action Negro. But you’d think the blonde hair and blue eyes would give me away. Sorry to disappoint. However if you have MPEG videos of your wife impaling herself on a chocolate telephone pole, send them over to my buddy LoLo at Cheapnookie.com Hell I’ll give you a porn review. We at TPG (we being me) love porn!

And if your wife is really hot, I may buy a penis enlarger and work on my tan!

Question:
How much contact is considered acceptable with an ex-girlfriend, keeping in mind that I will of course require the same right with my ex-boyfriend? Please give an elaborate answer if you can, I am eager to hear what the deal is with this very touchy subject.

Answer:
You shouldn’t have to negotiate time spent with friends in a relationship. Usually if you’re jealous of an EX it’s with good reason. When people devote too much time to an EX, it’s often because they aren’t over them. Show me someone that’s friends with their EX and I’ll show you someone who wasn’t really in love. No person alive is emotionally stable enough to untangle themselves from someone they thought they’d be with forever without pain. If he’s hanging around his EX and isn’t tied to her because of children, he probably still has a thing for her and you should cut his ass loose immediately. If it makes you uncomfortable he should respect that. Flaunting an EX in a new relationship is flirting with disaster. Personally I’d see it as a huge red flag and move on.

Question:
You should come down for New Years…and straighten my ass out, LMAO

Answer:
Girl we both know you don’t want me to straighten your ass out. You want me to bend your ass over and then contort you into as many sexual positions as possible. While I’d love to, that is a special day for me. I take 2 days a year just for me. My Birthday and the beginning of the new year. I don’t go out drinking. I spend the night alone contemplating the year that has passed and what I can do better myself in the year coming. It’s a fresh start. That’s part of how I manage to age like fine wine. I will take a rain check though:)

Question:
i think that im repellent of guys because im an intelligent artist, and/or i dont act like an idiot around them. do you think the fact that i speak my mind attracts or repells men? sometimes i think it would be easier if i acted like a girly ditz. also, when i like someone its usually someone thats already taken, and alot older. i have a crush on my boss at work, hes like 40 something. im 20. his kids are my age, and he has a girlfriend. my sex/love life exist only in fantasy, is that unhealthy?

Answer:
A lot is actually two words. So I’m guessing it’s not an issue of repelling men with your vast and dynamic intellect.

You shouldn’t have to be anything other than what / who you are to attract someone. If they don’t appreciate you for you, try telling them to go fuck an orange plastic highway cone. Let your hair go back to brown, stop using the word taken and stop crushing on a guy twice your age who’d have no use for you but to fuck you.

People will only value you as much as you value yourself. So if you accept being a doormat, that’s how they’ll treat you. If you scare men away because of your strong personality, they probably aren’t men you’d want in your life in the first place.

Question:
I recently started dating a guy and I do like him …BUT…He compliments himself more than me, I mean he is really good looking but come on now we’re not talking YOU good looking ;) and he tends to brag about his man hood, which he does have right to, but it’s getting a little ridiculous. How do I approach this w/out having to shove his beef stick in his mouth or coming off as a bitch? (Sorry for the paragraph)

Answer:
He’s either very insecure and needs reinforcing or he’s too in love with himself for you to bother with. I strongly suggest just being honest with the bastard.

Of course there is a less blunt and more entertaining alternative. You could sit him down and talk to him about being gay. Express to him that your gay male friends and even female friends think he might be gay because of how much interest he shows in himself. Nothing snaps a guy back into reality like thinking a hot chick believes he’s letting random dudes drape their nuts over his nostrils.

If he doesn’t get all butt-hurt and leave this may work. Or he may just “come out” to you.

Question:
hmm…ok..well its been a while mr. rob..but here goes..

well,i have this somewhat potential bedmate in mind,but he’s got this weird star wars/natalie portman fetish..he tells me that if i indulge his weird perverted fetish,that he’ll be my anakin forever..should i do it?

Answer:
There’s nothing weird about a “Star Wars” fetish. I dare someone to insult “Star Wars”. I’m an alpha nerd. I’ll explain to him why “Star Wars” rocks whilst I’m whipping his ass and then go ride his girlfriend around the yard!

Furthermore, tell the bastard that Natalie Portman is mine! Hands off!

Okay actually it’s pretty obvious you’re talking about me:)

Is there a full moon? Or is it just national “I Wanna Fuck Rob” week? Someone should warn me about these things. I’m out of Viagra!

Question:
I’d really like to suck your dick. I’d give you a massive blow job you’d never forget. I know you like girls like me.

Answer:
That’s romantic. Get back to me on Valentine’s Day.

Question:
I am in a serious relationship currently, but there is a guy at work who is in love with me….seriously in love with me….how do I let this guy know that there is no chance?

Answer:
You’re a nice girl. And I appreciate that you don’t want to hurt the guy’s feelings, but the best way to handle this is just to be blunt. If you were forced to pull a friend’s tooth, would you toy with it and continue to cause them pain or yank it out and only have them suffer the initial pain and then be able to heal? Besides your boyfriend is like 7 feet tall and 350lbs, he’d snap the guy in half.

Is it your boyfriend who has the little dark haired cousin with the glasses? Hell I may snap the guy in half for you. Trade? ha

Seriously, you can hurt him now and be done with it or continue to hurt him. Honesty, even blunt and cruel honesty is the only way to get a permanent resolution to this without a messy drawn-out ending.

Question:
I like a fat guy… am I obligated to give it a shot if I find fatness gross?

Answer:
All women should be forced to fuck at least one fat guy. We fuck fat girls. Hell some guys prefer thick women. Chicks on the other hand are far more superficial. So for God and country, go take a semen blast to the back of your throat from a fat dude! Send LoLo an MPEG, I’ll review that too. Shit I may change my name to Steven Spermberg and spend all my time reviewing homemade porn!

Question:
Ok I got a question.

I have been seeing this guy since July 2006 and he tells me he isnt looking for a relationship BUT he acts as if I am his girlfriend by saying and doing things when he is around. But his words and actions speak diff. When he isnt around he tells me he is not coming back around and all that stuff. But when he is around his actions speaks louder. And yes we have sex. More or so he tells me we are more then friends but when I tell him how I feel about that he gets all like I said I have to get my life in order and what not. Well why would a guy come here for x-mas the day b4 and spend time w/ u and ur kids for x-mas the next day? Can u help me please? I know u said no long paragraph but I wanted to give alil detail about my question. Sorry

Answer:
I’m going to be very blunt and it’s going to hurt your feelings. But you need snapping back into reality.

You are a piece of ass. That’s it. If he does things to make you feel wanted, it’s so he can keep you around as rainy day pussy. Stop trying to be more. Because it’s not going to happen, regardless of how many times you say BUT and what feelings you project on him.

When a guy says he needs to get his life together. What he actually means is that he’d like to fuck you without any strings attached. Which is what he should say in the first place but most men aren’t that honest. Hell, most people aren’t that honest.

Furthermore, you’re a fucking adult with children, so stop talking in IM speak. Ur isn’t a word it’s an archaeological site near the Dead Sea. And u is a vowel, it’s not an adequate substitute for you. It’s not more then friends, it’s more than friends. You need to worry less about this man and more about your education. Nobody can take that away from you.

If you want real help, you need to either accept things how they are, or move on. This isn’t going to turn out like you want. You’re being used for sex. If you want more, you’re not going to get it from this guy. He may tell you whatever you’d like to hear to keep fucking you, but ultimately that’s all you are to him. If your friends see the same things you see as signs he wants to be with you, they’re either as gullible as you are, or they’re trying to protect your feelings. This ain’t gonna happen. You’re just a penile parking place to him.

———
Got a question of your own?
Ask a question. Just a question! Rob doesn’t need 200 pages of back-story about your three week old online-only relationship in order to set your ass straight.

Send your questions to Rob via his Trailer Park Gangstas MySpace page. Don’t have a MySpace account? You can email questions to me via the email address listed here on BurntPickle. I’ll forward the shit over to him.

You should also checkout the music on Rob’s MySpace page. It’s some funny shit for sure. And, here’s his Bio on IMDB for all you curious fuckers.