Real Fucking Advice - Round 1

Question:
Besides having hot and passionate lesbian birthday sex, how would you suggest getting over someone that you’re still in love with?

Answer:
Don’t rush it. Expect to be in a fog for a while. You’ll have days where you think everything is fine followed by days when you think the world is ending; neither will likely be the case. It’s important to let yourself run the emotional gauntlet, let the pain in and let it work its way through your system. It’s going to anyway, whether you try to facilitate the process or not. I would suggest taking this time to better yourself: Learn a language, travel, take a class or start a business out of your garage. Focus on you and work on yourself, and the rest will come. Or, if you want a short term fix that will further confuse you, then you can just go fuck someone. The anti-venom for a snake bite is snake venom. But you won’t really move on just by having a few genital jollies.

Question:
I’m currently in love with a female. This is my first gay anything. We’re not in a relationship; however, when we’re physically together we are together and when we’re apart we are apart. She does a lot with her ex “for the kids” (which aren’t hers). I’m tired of the bullshit but can’t seem to let go, move on, or leave her alone. I’m not sure what to do, because my feelings are involved.

Answer:
Wouldn’t you agree baby you and me have a Springer kind of love. Jerry Springer kind of love. You obviously know she’s fucking other people from the “when we’re together, we’re together and when we’re apart, we’re apart” business. And while it takes much more than biology to be a parent, she’s doing those children no favors if she can’t stand her ex. Truth be told, she’s still screwing her ex. The children are just an excuse to stay in the ex’s life. Let me tell you a secret: You’re not asthmatic, and her pussy isn’t an inhaler. You’re not going to die if you never stick her clitoris in your mouth again. Not every relationship works out the way we want it to. But, it doesn’t kill you - it just sucks for a while. You can accept that, get your shit together and go on with your life, or you can turn into one of those nutty stalker types who sits outside her window hoping to see something you really don’t want to see. Give yourself more credit than you are. Untangle yourself and find better.

Question:
I have a male friend, and we’re really close. We hang out all the time and have fooled around a little bit. I want to have a relationship with him, but I don’t know if he’s on the same page as I am. How do I go about making the next step without hurting our friendship?

Answer:
I’m guessing “fooled around a little” means you two got drunk and he glazed you over a couple of times with dick snot. That pretty much throws the traditional friendship into anarchy. The second you decided that you wanted a relationship, you gave up your friendship. You now have an agenda. The only place you can really go in good faith is forward. You should talk to him and just be honest; then, go from there. Rejection will ultimately bother you much less than the regret of not talking it over with him.

Question:
Is there any point during a relationship where the “thrill of the chase” wears off, and it’s okay to just KNOW that you’re happily “together”?

Answer:
If there’s ever a “thrill of the chase”, you’re in the wrong relationship. People who need some type of challenge are usually dramatic and drowning in issues that they create for themselves. You should be happily together from day one or else you’re doomed anyway. Meeting someone, playing those “get to know you” games and then discovering that they aren’t the person you were getting to know at all, is commonplace. That’s usually followed by a few years in a stagnant relationship with someone you claim to hate, during the course of which a couple of kids get shat out. Then people just rinse and repeat. And this has somehow become the norm. If you avoid the games and drama you just might find yourself in a healthy relationship.

Question:
I just ended a relationship of around 18 months, and I was just wondering how long people should usually wait before getting into another relationship.

Answer:
This question differs from the “How do I get over my ex?” question that opened the bulletin. The best way to find yourself in a happy relationship is to not seek one out. You’re not going to die going to the movies alone or spending Friday nights with your friends. When it happens, and it’s real, you won’t have much to say of the time frame. It’ll just happen. The problem most people make is that they rush themselves into something just for the sake of being in a relationship, as opposed to it being about the person. So you project qualities you want in a person on the new relationship. Half the time, you find that the person never actually possessed those traits; you were just so anxious to be involved that you magnified the positives about them and overlooked the negatives. So don’t rush it. When it happens, it happens.

Question:
About halfway through my last relationship, I kinda just stopped feeling. I let it drag out for too long, but it wasn’t mean on either of our parts. Well, usually I start looking for someone to care for, because it’s in my nature to want to care for people. For whatever reason though, I don’t feel anything now. I don’t feel interested in anyone or attracted to anyone… I just feel like losing myself in books. Not romance novels, either. I don’t even have words to converse, really. I’m only 24, but I feel like I have given so much of myself in relationships which have all failed (very miserably in some cases), that I’m not sure if I feel like ever trying again. Is this normal? Will I ever get over this feeling (or rather, lack of feeling)? Is it bad that, at my age, I already don’t feel like dating?

Answer:
Nobody else gets to determine your emotional threshold. You can stand only as much as you can stand. So, lose yourself in books for a while. Get to know yourself again and take this time to grow from past experiences. The human heart is resilient. You’ll wake up one day and find yourself right back to where you never thought you’d be again. Here’s a tip for when you do find yourself dating again: Fixers seek out broken people, often fix them and get left and broken in the process. Granted, it may be your nature, but in the interest of self preservation I’d suggest starting with someone who isn’t fucked up and just nurturing them. If you’re baking an apple pie and you start with rotten apples, don’t be surprised when the pie tastes like ass.

Question:
How do you tell a guy friend that you like him, without sounding obsessive?

Answer:
Give him a Cleveland Steamer: Tie him up and take a shit on his chest. If he comes back to you, he’s yours. If he doesn’t, he never was. Short of that you could just trust your feelings and be honest with him. Being honest and forthcoming; hmmm… Now that might be an interesting way to embark on a potential relationship - ya think?

Question:
I actually really need some advice…
I have this guy “friend”..which we both know we are more than that… we talked about our feelings towords each other and still decided to just be friends..the reason for that decision was..he just got out of a two year relationship 5 months ago…and somewhat the same story with me…plus we r both full time students that work full time…
We see each other everyday..
We talk on the phone everyday…
He was about to kiss me last night..but he held back…

Im confused! Should I stop talking to him?
Im getting attached, and so is he…
I just don’t know…

Plz…just tell me anything!

Thanks A LOT!

Answer:
The first thing I can tell you is that “r” isn’t an acceptable substitute for the word are. If you wouldn’t put it on a job application, don’t put it in an email. Do you know that edumacated adult type individuals think people who type in shorthand are complete fucking idiots? Really we do. And smart people don’t have sex with retards because we’d have a 50 percent chance of having a moron for a child. Try using complete words. You’ll thank me for it when your child gets into college. Now on to your dilemma. It’s not really much of a dilemma at all. You shouldn’t be any more afraid of happiness than you should be of good grammar. If you want it, you have to go for it. If you don’t, someone who wants it more will take it. The only way to lose in this situation is to suppress your feelings. If you’re open you win. You’ll either get what you want or you’ll get out of limbo and be able to move forward without this hanging over your head. Remember this, people who want to be together are together. They don’t look for reasons not to be together. Life is usually that simple no matter how much we try to complicate it.

Question:
I have “adopted” a soldier overseas (whom I must admit is totally cute), and was just wondering what this dude expects when he comes back home. I also have one of my cops over there, who’s totally hot as well. Both are turning into possibilites for when they get back (amongst the many others I am actually dating at this time). Just wanted your opinion: What should I do?

Answer:
I fail to see the problem. You have 3 inputs. Soldier in the pink, cop in the stink. You’re still a pecker short for your mouth. I’d suggest a fireman or Indian chief. That way you can have them all dress accordingly and have a Village People tribute gangbang.

The operative word in your question was “possibilities”. Neither of them are actually here. Take time and sort it out; don’t borrow trouble. You’re not serious at this point about anyone, so why get all dramatic over serious questions that don’t yet need to be answered?

Question:
Why do my Energizers always die at just the wrong time? And why do all these “Made in China” toys break? I mean, come on; the threads on the cap need to last longer when you have to change the batteries every half hour.

Answer:
You own the wrong sex toys. Classics are called such for a reason. You need a Doc Johnson Pocket Rocket, preferably the waterproof version. It’s like a Sharpie with a jet engine on it. You can even use it during sex without the guy feeling intimidated. And stop looking at the batteries dying as a bad thing. Everybody likes a little teasing; you get yourself almost to that point and then have to come down only to build up to another orgasm. Exactly what part of that is so awful?

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